I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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