for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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