Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
