that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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