You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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