dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Terrible idea I love it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
