Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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