I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
