At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
