On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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