if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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