saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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