Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
