Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They are going to name an STD after you.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
