this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
