I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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