The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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