I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
