shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize