omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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