so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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