K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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