The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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