How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize