he shaved USA in his pubs
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
