Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
