u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
