Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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