The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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