she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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