Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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