I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
