I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
