i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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