I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
