Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
smell my finger.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My penis needs a shock collar
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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