I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
