i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
sarcasm needs its own font
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
