Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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