I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
