I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Sober January is a disaster.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
