we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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