Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
