LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
