the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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