Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize