hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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