I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
