Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
