My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
