I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
