now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize