You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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