I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
