I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
