fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize