I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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