my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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