I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
