it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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