how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
