There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
did i just pee glitter
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
