It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
