im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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