I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
